Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
