I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
