Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
