oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
