well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
