I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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