I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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