there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
