I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
