I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
