Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
