So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
