I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
