Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
