matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
