At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
