I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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