I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
