Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
