I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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