In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
