Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
