I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
