I smell stomach acid.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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