Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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