if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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