eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
