I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
