I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
