i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
