Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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