Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
