ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Randomize
