where does the pee come out of this thing
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
