I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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