why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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