Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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