Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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