I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
