Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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