I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When are your genitals available?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
