its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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