Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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