apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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