I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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