I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
