Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
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I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
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My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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