my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
