Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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