I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
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we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
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Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳