You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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