Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
