my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
