You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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