i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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