I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
