Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
